H1N1scare!!!!!

In January I went to the emergency at our local hospital 5 times in as many days. I only remember the first 2. I was diagnosed with H1N1 at the first and bronchitis at the second. I remember coming home and having dinner. I went to sleep early. The next thing I remember is waking up with a tube down my throat and my hands tied to the bed (apparently I tried to pull the tube out) and it was a week later. I had been on life support for 6 days. I couldn't talk or make myself understood. All I could do was shake and nod my head and cry. I had been given a 50/50 chance and at one point my dad was told to make preparations because I probably wouldn't survive. Obviously I did. When I woke up the told me I was in a hospital and I was going to be ok. I didn't know what was going on. I was scared and felt very alone although I had a lot of visitors. I don't sleep anymore. I'm afraid I will wake up with a tube in my throat. My biggest fear is having a doctor put me to sleep and never waking up. This was a close second. I still have problems breathing. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and I will have it for a few months more although I am home now. I get scared when I can't breathe. This is the scariest thing in the world and I am still dealing with the after effects. I don't know when this will be in the past or when I will "get over it". It's still a daily struggle to acclimate myself to having gone through this. I don't know how to assimilate this "history" of mine. I don't know anyone who has gone through this so I have no one to talk to about this. I feel very alone.

Me, right now...

I was recently divorced. Most people would not want to be divorced, but in my case it was a blessing. My ex-husband was very abusive. So now, he is out of our lives for good!  Thank god!

It's just my dad and I in our little apartment. My oldest daughter, Amanda, lives with my mother. My youngest, Libby, lives with her father. I have not see Libby in over two years. I haven't spoken to her since April. Her father has effectively cut me out of her life. I did not even get school pictures last year even though I offered to pay for them. She is 12 now and I have no idea what she looks like now. Although my mother, we DON'T have a good relationship, got pictures and will not share them with me. Enough of that......

I am currently working on getting SSI, they tell me it's a long process and so far it is. I have a lawyer helping me. I haven't been able to work for a very long time.

Well, I think that's good enough for the first post.